This week marks my 17th wedding anniversary; or rather, it would were it not for the fact that the eighth anniversary of our separation was earlier this month. And lately I've been thinking that, all things considered, our divorce has been good for all concerned - including the children.

The girls were very young when my 'husband and I separated: Katie was three years old and Maddie only one-and-a-half. The bright side of this is that they don't remember us being together; they have no before-and-after memories to compare. As far as they're concerned, this is the way it's always been. The benefit of this is that they were spared the trauma of the upheaval that divorce brings; they were so dependent on me at those early ages that their father's weekday absence went largely unnoticed, and then it became normal.

Conventional wisdom is that divorce is terrible for children. The possible and oft-quoted consequences of divorce for children include increased risks of poverty, depression, drug abuse and suicide. The message is that divorce is all-round bad news and you should do everything you can to stay with your partner for the sake of the children.

Bunkum. As a parent who is not only divorced, but the child of divorced parents, I've amassed a bit of knowledge in this area, and I'm calling the bluff of these doomsayers, many of whom have a moralistic barrow to push.

In 2008 in Australia, there were more than 43,000 children whose parents divorced. It's time somebody listed some of the possible beneficial outcomes for these children.

First of all, there's the big, glaring potential positive (or, as one friend put it, a non-negative): removal from a scene of conflict. When a marriage involves constant arguing, or, even worse, physical or sexual abuse, removal from that environment is obviously a huge plus. Even for very young children, no longer spending their evenings waiting for the yelling to start is an enormous improvement.

Secondly, if the parents are able to build an effective co-parenting relationship, the children can see how you can 'work' with somebody even when you don't particularly want to. Conflict resolution, negotiation and compromise, patience, common (or uncommon) civility, and a good deal of biting one's tongue - these are all called upon regularly by many divorced parents who are sharing the responsibility of looking after their children. When the children are adults, they will reflect on how their parents put the needs of their children for a stable parenting structure above their own anger and hurt. Top-notch role-modelling in anybody's book, surely.

Next, if and when the parents start dating, the children will be able to observe first-hand how an adult goes about forming new relationships, and if necessary, dissolving them. I have had one 'public' relationship (i.e. involving the children and my broader family) since my divorce, and my daughters were keenly interested in the process of that relationship. Naturally they were full of questions during the ebb and flow of the romance, and while I didn't share with them all the details that I told my close friends, they did learn things from my relationship.

If a parent then re-partners, that relationship holds the promise of a whole new group of people to love and nurture the children. I can personally attest to this one: when my father remarried 25 years ago, I gained a loving stepmother and my eventual children a grandmother who is, simply, the best. Children can benefit from the extra parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins who might come with the blended family package.

The separation of households has many benefits for children. They get to experience more than one way of living; even when the two households are similar from a cultural and moral perspective, the inevitable difference in rules and outlooks between the two homes can demonstrate that there is more than one way in which life can be lived. Similarly, the parents get to parent their own way; a friend of mine who is a separated father says he enjoys being able to challenge his sons without his ex-wife's 'mollycoddling', and he's fairly certain she similarly enjoys her freedom from his influence.

I think the increased amount of time that the children spend alone with one or other of their parents results in more 'quality time' with that parent. When I spent weekends at my father's house as a child, I felt that I received more of his attention than I did when we lived together before he separated from my mother. When a parent is living with a child on a daily basis, weekends can easily get swallowed up by chores and activities that are not centred on the child; but when a parent only gets every second weekend, or a periodical visit during the holidays, they are more likely to put aside the everyday to focus on spending time with their child. My father cherished the time we had together and to this day I think our relationship benefits from that. Similarly, on the weekends the girls are with me, I am able to spend time with them without dividing my attention between them and another adult, or consulting another person's preferences on what we should do with our time. We choose, and we have fun doing what we want to do, just the three of us.

So much for the great big positives that children can experience after a divorce. Now, let's look at some of the more trivial, fun benefits.

Here's one that children would probably put at the top on their list: doubling up on presents and parties. Instead of getting Christmas/birthday/whatever presents from 'Mum and Dad', they get gifts from both parents - not to mention extras from all those new members of their family if their parent re-partners! Ditto on the celebrations; we have a Christmas lunch with my family and the girls then have a Christmas lunch with their father's family (we take it in turns to get the actual day); they'll have a birthday party with me, then a movie and dinner, or something similar, with their dad. Bonus!

Travel is another possible plus. If one of the parents moves away, the children may be able to travel to visit them. The daughter of a friend of mine travels to Germany every couple of years to visit her father; for my own children, their father lives in a town that most people only visit for their holidays, but they get to spend every second weekend there.

Last, and probably most trivial in this non-exhaustive list, is a skill that the girls have developed at an early age as a result of spending every second weekend at Dad's house - the ability to pack a bag. Given some basic information (number of days, weather forecast, any special events), my daughters can pack bags for a visit to their dad's pretty much single-handedly, and (aside from Maddie's unfortunate tendency to always forget either her swimmers or her PJs) they do a pretty good job at it. When they become world-travellers (yet to happen to me but I have hopes for them), this will be a handy skill.

All of these benefits are of course contingent upon the circumstances of the divorce, and whether the parents are able to put their children's need for stability above their own feelings. And rest assured that I am not advocating divorce in order to get extra prezzies; however for anybody who is currently going through a divorce or contemplating one, it's nice to know that it can turn out okay.

What do you think? Am I dismissing those negative effects too easily, or are there positives I've missed? Tell us your thoughts in the comments below.

Alison Sainsbury
Web Editor

The Department of Human Services has recently launched a website to help families find information to help with the emotional, financial and legal issues they face during separation. It has information on support products and services for partners, children, grandparents and people affected by family violence.