This week I learned to braid my daughter's hair. Not just a plait - I'm talking about a real, honest-to-goodness French braid. It may not sound like a big deal but it does signal the achievement of a pretty specific parenting goal for me. I was so happy to tick off this little box in my catalogue of maternal traits that it made me wonder where such goals come from. How do we learn to define a mother (or indeed a father) and are such definitions helpful or harmful?

I come from a generation that was influenced by a variety of representations of the mother and this seems to have left me with an image that is a kind of hybrid version of Mrs Brady from The Brady Bunch, Samantha from Bewitched and the mum from Family Ties. I'm sure if I dug deeper I would find more from the world of popular culture including the iconic Aussie mum from the 'Good On You Mum, Tip Top's The One' ads. All of these mums were different, but together they created a subconscious checklist of the skills that I believed a mother should master. These usually included baking or cooking; keeping an immaculate and inviting home; being supportive of the man of the house; and being available for a bedside chat whenever a child was upset. And, while I don't recall ever seeing Mrs Brady doing those terrible curly pigtails on Cindy, someone had to do them. Perhaps that's why I always thought that a 'good mum' would be able to do 'good hair'.

When I was in high school I had zero interest in hairdos but I did have a head of long golden hair, which my classmates couldn't wait to get their hands on. Each lunchtime they would beg to do my hair and I would come home with increasingly elaborate styles - side ponies, high ponies, half ponies, braids, fishtail plaits, cornrows - I was like a live version of one of those creepy hairstyling doll heads. I was never interested in learning how to do these styles myself but somehow, when I became a mum, the French braid turned into a perverse litmus test for maternal aptitude.

When Indy started school I would watch as her little school friends ran through the front gates each morning. Whenever I saw one with a gorgeous head of tight braids I would feel a sense of insecurity, imagining that this little one's mum had matching dinner plates and fresh sheets on all the beds. She probably also had a chef's oven from which baked goods emerged each afternoon - followed by a dinner containing all five food groups, which was actually eaten by her family. Giving my imagination free rein I could easily conjure up a sewing box and a knitting basket. I could also visualise this paragon of motherhood re-touching her make-up before her husband came home with a bunch of flowers to thank her for cooking dinner for his boss the week before. After tidying the kitchen until it gleamed she would then read storybooks to her children after popping them into freshly pressed pyjamas.

As I have relaxed into motherhood a little over these past few years I have come to understand that this picture has been created from an obviously flawed blueprint. It does not resemble me in any way - except maybe the bedtime story part - but in my early days of motherhood I aspired to this unrealistic version of motherhood - sometimes to my detriment as I tried unsuccessfully to tick all the boxes.

Thinking about the ways in which we create an image of what we imagine a mother to be makes me wonder about the role models for our daughters today. My kids have been watching a show called Miss BG. The mum on this show is a writer who always seems to be telling her kids she has a story to finish. She never seems to cook. She sounds like me. I wonder what my daughter - and my son - will imagine a 'good' mother to look like.

But I have started to consider that motherhood is too complex a role to define. Maybe ticking off boxes is not the way to measure a mother. Perhaps there are no winners in the Good Mother/Bad Mother game. So I am trying to create a new and improved version of motherhood to replace my outmoded one. I think it is still a work in progress, but at this stage I am leaning towards the 'Best I Can Be' model - French braiding optional.

How was motherhood defined when you were a kid? How do you think it is defined for your children?