** This thread discusses the Content article: Independence Day **




"It's a difficult time for us at the moment," my neighbour admitted as we chatted yesterday. "My daughter is rebelling because she wants more independence, meanwhile I'm grieving the loss of 'my baby'."



The daughter in question has just started university so it's not an unexpected development in their relationship. Indeed, many mothers would probably say my neighbour is lucky her daughter has waited until now to assert her autonomy.



But it's the Catch 22 that all parents must face. You want your children to grow up to have the skills and confidence to look after themselves in the big wide world, but you also don't want to let them go. However, along with keeping them safe, loved and well-nourished, guiding them along the path to independence is one of our most important roles. From the moment they are born, each little milestone that we help them with – sitting up alone, walking, talking and feeding themselves – is another step towards self-sufficiency.



It made me think of how, at just 19 months, Thomas is already showing he has a mind of his own. For instance, his rapidly expanding vocabulary means he can now express his preferences loud and clear. Every morning as I make his toast he calls out "HUN-DEE" (honey) as his topping of choice. And, in case he thinks I didn't hear it, he repeats it over and over again until I acknowledge his request.



He also prefers to feed himself when possible (much to the delight of our devious dog who lurks beneath his chair to vacuum up the bits that don't make it to his mouth) and has even become particular about the type of biscuits he'll accept for a snack. Once he was happy with whatever I pulled out of the pantry (usually rice cakes - low sugar and low mess) but now these are often met with derision as he tries to push past me to get to the ones he wants (usually high sugar and high mess).



Selecting shoes and clothing is another area where he now likes to have some input. So far I manage to win these fashion disagreements without too much drama, though I'm sure that day will come (so don't be surprised if you see him at the supermarket in his favourite ensemble - robot pyjamas and 'gum-bootz').



As most parents would know, at the moment the most powerful weapon in his independence armoury is that two-letter word - "No!" It began quite innocently as a gentle "uh-uh" combined with a shake of the head, but over the past few weeks it's developed into a definite "No" or "No okay" (not okay).



When I first heard it, it sounded so cute - such a strong, decisive word coming out of such a sweet, cherubic mouth. Now I hear it a hundred times a day and it's a constant reminder that he has other ideas and won't always do the things I say. Sometimes the "No!" is playful, but mostly it's either due to confusion or wanting things his own way. As a parent it can be funny, frustrating or downright demoralising (especially when it's delivered after a request for a kiss!).



Something tells me this is where the real parenting begins. Changing nappies and midnight feeds are nothing - it's how you handle 'No' and the inevitable differences in opinion you will have with your child that will really test your mettle. Sometimes you need to respect their wishes ("Okay, we can read a different book"), sometimes you need to reach a compromise ("How about you try the rice cracker if I spread it with honey?") and sometimes you need to overrule ("No, the muddy 'gum-bootz' cannot come in the house").



If you think about it, how well you manage these potential conflicts could really affect your relationship with your child and how they cope as an independent individual (arghh - scary, scary parent pressure!). So I'm going to try and focus on the positive side of all these 'No's - they mean that Thomas knows what he does (or doesn't) want but sometimes he's willing to negotiate, which are exactly the qualities I want to encourage.



Of course, he'll also discover that sometimes he doesn't have a choice and you just have to deal with it the best way you can - just like my neighbour will have to do on that bittersweet day when her daughter announces she's leaving home and her instinctive response is 'Nooooo!'.



In what ways does your child assert their independence?

My two year old has very strong opinions whereas my I can always explain things to my 4 year old and she seems to accept things better.